So yesterday was my birthday. I just turned 39 years old. My life currently is under construction. I live in a very small studio apartment with my dog, a little chunky Chihuahua, named Nina. I just thought I would give everyone a clear idea of my life and who I am. Every year on my birthday something always goes wrong. Whether it be something small or the entire day just ends up jacked.
I usually try to have a birthday party, but as usual, no one ever shows up. To give insight on myself, since I was child I started off quiet and shy, then I was very outgoing and outspoken, then I had a few traumatizing events and turned into this socially awkward woman. I put on a great front, trying to be energetic in conversation when in actuality I have no idea how to be apart of life anymore. I realized last night I have no idea what I’m doing in my life right now. I’m just trying to figure it out the best way I can with a positive mind.
I look back on my life and I think about all the mistakes that I made along the way. I wasn’t perfect. I was just trying to live and survive. I’ve had a failed marriage, my children were placed in my family’s care because of it, my mother and I were constantly at odds with each other, I wasn’t exactly smart about my future. I was too busy trying to be around for my children. I lost a lot of people in my life that I thought were friends. Like I said, my life wasn’t perfect. Now that I’m older my financial situation is no where near what I would like it to be.
My life changed when I was hit by a bi-state bus while standing on the side of my car. It was October 18th, 2009. I was 30 years old. Before that accident I was outgoing, smart, free-spirited, and socially epic in large crowds. After that accident, I became something like a hermit. I wasn’t able to wear my high heels anymore, I stopped going out so often, I eventually stopped hanging out all together. For a while I was only with my family and like 2 friends. I started working again in 2013. I started gaining confidence in myself, but started realizing there were certain elements that weren’t healthy for my life. I could put on an awesome front on when I was at work. In front of customers I was always smiling and courteous, but when I got off, I was screaming in my mind. I had the hardest time being around other people.
I hate that. I actually like meeting new people. I love getting to know them, and enjoy being around great energetic vibes. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid all the time. Over the last few years I’ve had great ideas that I wanted to pursue and I would get started on them with awesome effort, but then I would start to doubt myself and never finish it. Leaving so many creative projects undone. I hate that.
I plan my birthday parties every year, and people will say they’ll come, but then no one shows up. It hurts my feelings every year, but I still try again every time hoping for a different outcome. I didn’t exactly plan a party this year. I just kind of invited a few people to hang out with me, and for once, they showed up.
I thought about a lot last night. What is keeping me from jumping out of my shell? Why have I become so awkward in social situations? So I decided to be a little more open with people about myself. I’m still a little too camera shy to do live videos or vlogs, but I figured this is a start. At least to give everyone a better understanding about who I am, and the future I’m striving to carve out for myself. After all, I’m new to this..
If you have any advice or just want to leave some encouragement I would be grateful. Thanks you.